Gotta love the chase.

So, it’s 5.35am, yet again and i’m sitting here attempting to put my words in print. i feel like i should start at the beginning, but right now i just need to rant. To put it simply, i hate it when a guy likes me, to the point where i feel physically repulsed. The chase gets me going, makes me feel wanted and desirable, i fall in love fast and frequently. I stay up late staring at the chat bar on Facebook begging the powers to be to get them to message me. They do, i feel elated, dizzy even and then all of a sudden they’ll say something sweet like ‘I love talking to you, when can i see you again’ and its ruined. i feel the bile rising in my throat and the familiar tingling sensation of disgust emanates through my body and i need them to be as physically and mentally far away from as possible.

I hate this, i hate that the more right a guy is for me, the better he treats me and the little details about me he remembers the more wrong my twisted brain decides he is for me. the resentment i have toward my own feelings is eating me up. i keep pestering my friends for explanations, and of course they are none the wiser. How can i expect them to interpret my thoughts and actions when my minds such a confusing place that even i’m scared to explore.

Self sabotage is nothing new to me. But now i feel like the resentment i feel toward my ex and the blame that i have put on him for the past year is imploding in my own brain, and i can’t stop myself over thinking and finding non existent faults in the guys who are just trying to treat me well.

An example of this stupid trait of mine; i met this guy we’ll know as Joe a while a go at a club in Melbourne we’ll call XYZ. He was hot, had good banter and was interested in everything i had to say. However i blew him off for an old ‘friend with benefits’ guy named Max for these purposes. The problem with Max is that essentially he has the same qualities that Joe has, sexy, charismatic and extremely charming however he never has time for me. I have had mind blowing sex with Max on multiple occasions and have convinced myself i’m in love with him. But my older wiser self knows that this is only because he’s emotionally unavailable, therefore safe. Joe on the other hand would rather do nothing but make time for me, take me out for drinks and remembers little details like my friends names. So i hate him.

i’ve been driving my poor friends mad, the nicer Joe is to me the more faults i invent to sabotage our chances. to sabotage myself. He’ll message me ‘i’m so glad to have met you’ and instantly i message ‘laura’ saying ‘What if he’s religious, it would never work out’ to which she replies ‘Do you have any reason to think that’. Me: ‘no i dont, but he might be so i need to end this’. and on and on and on and on.

these crazy irrational circles are driving me insane.

i’m trying to talk myself out of this stupidness, but it is proving difficult, maybe writing all this down will help.

maybe.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Love, Emeline.