Dating etiquette makes me want to throw bricks at people.

~ Emeline

So we all know that feeling, when you hit off with a guy or girl and the tingle of anticipation overwhelms your brain. And this is all good and great and fab and blah blah blah *insert happy adjectives*, But then the panic sets in and BAM, you’re stealthily searching the internet for tips and hints on ‘what food to order on a first date’ and ‘Will he expect sex on the first date?’. You find yourself manically  trawling through e-harmony advice on how to ‘Leave a lasting impression on that special guy’ whilst trying to navigate public transport.

Everyone with the slightest touch of the insecure vibes knows the pain. Because really when you think about it, a first date is the same as a job interview, you’re both auditioning the other person to see if the deserve a role in your life. And with this bizarre mating ritual of humans comes a whole lotta etiquette, which quite frankly does my head in. As follows a comprehensive list of my dating woes/concerns/fears ect

1- How do you subtly insert a mint into your mouth at the right time without them noticing and deciding you’re on a determined mission to shove your tongue down their throat?

2- Why should you avoid talking about your ex? as far as i’m concerned you’re just giving them a friendly list of things not to do if they want a successful relationship with you!

3- How many glasses of wine is the perfect level, to be able to portray that you like to have fun but most importantly are under no circumstance *nudge. nudge* an alcoholic? *wink, wink*

4- Why do you always feel inclined to make up an excuse about why you went to the bathroom for more than approx 1.5 minutes, god forbid they thought you were doing an ahem, number 2.

5- To wear lipstick or not to wear lipstick? Let’s face it, you feel sexier with it on but it prohibits sexy activities such as the average kiss from occuring, at least without disasterous results.

6- Exactly what food should you order without the shame of being the girl who orders the salad or the girl who went for the pasta and ended up with napoli in her eyebrows?

7- So can i still see other people or… that classic age old dilemma of when you must forgo the attention of the opposite sex for that special person. But when? From the first date? after you’ve talked on facebook 17 times? This one always gets me.

8- How the hell do you keep your face tilted at that flattering angle for the entire evening?

9- When the conversation goes akimbo and you’ve gone from discussing your favourite colour to him fondling your boobs in the smokers area of that bar your at. Do you let this continue in this modern age or is that still a no go?

10- And lastly my biggest peeve of all, WHO THE HELL PAYS THE BILL? i personally feel exceedingly uncomfortable with the idea of my date paying for me, kinda as if i owe them? although i do know a lotta people who feel uncomfortable with their date not paying for them. So really i’m not sure but either way it can be a dark scary thought to investigate.

Well for now, that’s all my little old sleep deprived self can think of, but as i continue my foray into the amusing, terrifying and most of all confusing world of dating i’m sure there will be more to come.

Love, Emeline.

5 thoughts on “Dating etiquette makes me want to throw bricks at people.”

  1. This is fun. You 20-year-old girls are full of wonder. Okay, this is the last comment I’ll leave for a while.

    Well, first of all, if he wants sex without either marriage or cohabitation, then he’s a jerk, and you should tell him to go to Hell.

    1) Just put the mint in your mouth. It’s not a banana. Just don’t eat a banana, a hot dog, a lollipop, or an ice cream cone in front of him. Those are the foods I can think that might be suggestive (of oral sex).

    2) Talking about your ex makes the new person jealous, I think, or it might make him self-conscious about his own behavior, and then he might not be able to relax as much.

    3) Now it’s alcohol to impress someone??? If a guy needs sex or alcohol to impress him, he’s garbage. I don’t drink. There’s no point in it. Your personality is what makes you fun (or doesn’t). Make observations about life. Be philosophical. Be spiritual. If the guy isn’t philosophical and spiritual, then he’s garbage.

    4) If a girl was in the bathroom for a long time, I’d assume she was dealing with normal feminine hygiene issues or fixing her hair or makeup or something (not that I think girls need to wear makeup), and the polite thing would be for the guy to not pry into the details of such affairs.

    5) I like girls in their natural state (I.e. without lipstick), but that’s my own personal philosophy.

    6) Order something nutritious that doesn’t smell too strong (like onions or garlic), in case you kiss later. Onion/garlic breath makes kissing unpleasant.

    7) I think a kiss locks you in for the moment. If you kiss at least once, I think it would be polite to ask the other person before you just hop to someone else.

    8) Flattering angle? If he asked you out on a date, I would think he’s seen you from several angles already and decided they were nice enough to pursue you. Don’t worry about it. Only a still 2-dimensional picture could be bad (if you don’t pick the right one), because it’s always stuck in one position. Your face in 3-dimensions should be fine.

    9) To Hell with the modern age. Believe in yourself. Anything but kissing before marriage is dangerous. If he really wants sex, why isn’t he making a commitment??? That’s the real question. If he wants sex, make him pay for it (and I don’t mean with money). Don’t give it away for free.

    10) If you feel uncomfortable paying, then don’t. I think you answered your own question. In general, if you feel uncomfortable doing something on a date, I would say don’t do it, because a date is supposed to be fun.

    If you need to make yourself uncomfortable to impress someone, then he/she isn’t the right person for you, because then you’ll always be hiding something, and it could eventually bubble up and ruin the relationship later. It might even ruin your sex life, because you’ll be worrying if you need to pretend to enjoy sex when you don’t (when it would be better to say when you don’t, so he can adjust to match you). Love is trust and communication.

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